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A forever sleep

Why does it feel more peaceful to die?
It's harder to live and im too tired to cry
Tears no longer salty
Fears no longer faulty
I'm wanting peaceful slumber
I don't feel I can do this any longer
I feel exposed, useless, and frail
I'm trudging through a daily hell
My core is shrinking and the flavor is gone
How much must I carry, and for how long?
I see glimpses of me
In my kids in my family
Small glimpses of hope and joy
Why has it not found me?
Feels like a dream
A nightmare.... Replaying
I want to feel peace
But it isn't coming.
I am loved in convenience
Missed in theory
Kept around like a comfort blanket that is discarded at the first tear
Today I am beyond grateful
For the ones who stayed
The loved ones that remained strong
When my life broken into a million pieces
Who held steady
While I learned how to breathe again
I'm grateful for their soft voices
When mine was harsh and damaging
And the quiet but constant ways they reminded me
I'm still worthy
and I have so much more to give
I'm grateful to those that told me not to give up
Who carried me through the fire
When it all felt too much to bare
Those that never left my side
And reminded me that they will always care
I'm grateful for me too —
For not giving up
Even when everything told me to
Waking up in the morning
And choosing to still give
Even when I didn't think I had enough to share
I'm proud to say
Through it all I stood tall
with a spine of steel
And a glimmer of hope for tomorrow
So here's to the ones who stayed
Who never left my side
As I grow and continue to rebuild
And walking into a future
I became to scared to even imagine
And —
"That's all I've got today"
"Is that all?"
Love you for always and forever
Grief is like feeling lost
Walking down a street you have walked before
But everything is different
And you don't want to keep going forward anymore
You want to return
Go back
Start over
But their is no other choice so
you continue forward
You continue forward
Marching to the beat of a heartbeat drum
A faint echo, a silent hum
you keep marching but your feet wont touch the floor
A beaming light says "exit here"
A sigh of relief, a glimmer
A future more clear
But as soon as you open that door
You are back where you started
Lost, confused, and so unsure
The days get longer
The uncertainty drowns the light
Your feet are heavy
You want to take flight
But the arrows say "keep going"
And you trust and have faith that it might
People join you on your journey
Carry some of the weight
Their time runs out, they leave
It's dark and getting too late
Again in the dark
Alone
Exhausted from the neverending walk
Questioning your worth
Questioning your life
Questioning all the what ifs and whys
Can you turn the volume down?
Can you tell my heart to no longer pound?
I have lost myself and I want to find me again
But my confidence is melting
and when I speak there is no sound
Can I make it through?
There is no other option but to

I'm alone — CHC

I'm alone.
I can't find peace.
Uncertainty
Will not cease.
Everyone is
Dead or dying.
Everyone is
Cheating
Killing
Sneaking
Stealing or lying.
I need a rock
To stand on.
But
I have no one
To depend on.

I've held a lot of grown men's hands

It's hard to act tough
When your life has almost been taken
Its hard to act brave
When you've been beaten down and shaken
Its hard to not cry
When life doesn't feel real
It's hard to forgive
When someone chose you to kill
I've held a lot of grown men's hands
Tears streaming
Body shaking
Unsure if it is the end
I've held a lot of grown men's hands
When they recite their goals
Their life plans
One simple act
A gesture of peace
warm steady hand
With a grip that won't release
Physical human touch can
soften the hurt
Ease the burden
Transfer the pain
I can't feel what you feel
But I'll hold tight
I promise I'll remain

Invisible wounds

You may see the bruises, cuts and scars
But the wounds that remain
Are pounded into my heart
Everyday I wake up
I see a physical reminder of that day
But the emotional terror
Is what continues to remain
The scars are vanishing
I am trying to heal
But no one will truly understand
The pain that I feel
Treat me with love
Treat me with care
My life is fragile, vulnerable
And I am scared
Chicago has its own tragic lullaby
Sirens become the soundtrack to the city
As your hear them speed by
Through the day and night
Year after year
The sound starts to fade
And you no longer hear
the loud cry of the ambulance
The cars whizzing by
It all Starts to blend in with
The trees, wind, birds, sky
No numbing silence
But no peace of mind
The city plays it's lullaby
As we try to sleep and unwind
Who knew
Growing old would be a privilege
To wake in the morning
And have more to give
So many children left this earth prematurely
So many children buried by those who came before them
Unable to discover their potential
Before the door is sealed shut
Unable to experience lifes beauty
Just terror
And for what?
For some
What a privilege to even make it to 30
Please protect these children
They deserve it
They are worthy
The sentiment is sweet
The feeling is there
When those saving your life
are trying to show that they care
Statements like
"It's a miracle that you are alive"
But through streams of tears
a patient says
"that day I died"
The physical body may still be intact
The wounds sewn up
The scars all patched
But life will never be the same
The unseen wounds
Begin to play their own game
Grateful to walk, to run, to laugh
But the person they knew
Is never coming back

"Red snow" — Benito Juarez

Sometimes it snows single flakes
One by one
Fragile and delicate
Peaceful and calm
Other times the snow
Creates blizzards,
The perfect storm
Powerful and reckless
A dizzying unknown
This violent storm
Unexpected, unannounced
Changed fates
Changed lives
Two children died
Two deaths pronounced
The snow
what once was peaceful,
pure, and calm
Is a dreaded reminder
of what went on
And the snowflakes
(So clean and white)
that fell Like frozen tears
are forever Stained with the blood
of those children found near and dear

Unzipping bag — Kevin Davis

A white, plastic bag
Embracing the deceased
Zipped over the face
Enclosed and resting in peace
Creaking sound of the zipper
Shaky, unsteady movement
A pure white Rustling bag
An unthinkable moment
Face to face
Eye to eye
a person Lifeless
No more breath
A mother speechless
Feeling hopeless
Unbelieving
And simply sad
It hurts to be present
It hurts to see pain
But unzipping, unlocking
And presenting ones nightmare...
I feel I will never be the same

Jakown

Living under everyone else's expectations
Unable to arrive at his own destination
This young man had visions to be something more
But circumstances pulled him
And he walked through that door
Systems controlling
Loved ones calling
Unsure of his direction
Always feeling like falling
It took 26 shots for someone to care
It took 26 shots to stop him mid air
Why should he trust
When so many have failed him
Who does he trust
But the family he created
Now vulnerable
Healing his body, his mind
He opened the door and allowed me to find
The child that is hiding
Searching to be understood
A child who had to grow up
Far faster than he should
Gazing into the face of another
Becomes a responsibility, and a choice
Unlike any other
An experience to grow
A moment to rediscover
Humanity to be seen
And no judgement of each other
God gives an opportunity
To be vulnerable and raw
A mimicked emotion
A held hand
And a statement whispered
"I see now what you saw"

Miracle boy

A young boy
No older than the age of thirteen
Had a life altering night
Like one of a bad dream
The sound of a bullet
screams past his head
As the second one pierced
He should have been dead
Chino conquered all odds
He astonished the doctor
As he returned to his mother
And sister and brother
He fought long and hard
He could have moved a mountain
He was determined and strong
With loved ones around him
What a joy to watch
this young man take a step
When so many days
I've cried, I've wept
He survived
And will keep on surving
His story full of hope
Although a dark storm
He was a presence of
bright lightning

A bullet is unforgiving

A bullet wont stop until it hits something
It won't stop until it
Breaks, pierces, or tears
It won't stop until
Someone ends in tears
It won't stop
Because a bullet has no name
It won't stop
No matter the terror, or pain
It won't stop
Even if there wasn't purposeful aim

Rushed

Who is allowed the time
And who is giving?
Why does one death seem rushed
And others reliving?
Doesn't everyone deserve respect?
Isnt every life precious?
I can't begin to understand why
One means more and one less
All hearts beat the same
All lungs take in air
Two eyes, two ears
all the same
When stripped bare
But a change in ones pigment
And that determines if we care?
A life spent looking over ones shoulder
A life moving too fast
A life scared of tomorrow
Unable to look past the past
A life that is frozen in time
A life that is not living
A life unable to feel peace
A life that is unforgiving
I believe in new beginnings
I believe in change
Let me guide you towards the future
And redirect your gaze
I want you to look to tomorrow
I want your days to be bright
Start looking towards your future
And keep your shoulders steady, despite
A Small victory
We only need one
To shift ones perspective
That life can move on
One step at a time
One foot out the door
One small little inkling that life can be more
Life may not end
But it tends to change colors
Things may seem familiar
But a haze clouds our view
We may go on living
But our wound is unforgiving
And its hard to see distant
To know what is true
I lead a vessel
A vessel of souls
Whose lives were cut short
And seek passage home
Their bodies remain grounded
But their spirits still roam
As I stand steady at the helm
aware of the sudden unknown
I set a course for everlasting rest
And promise that they are not alone
A promise assuring they will be known
Because in the quilt of life
Their story has been forever sewn
"Not my son,
You have to be wrong"
A chanted statement
From a hopeful mom
Unable to speak anything but what causes harm
I'm Wishing
time would have been more kind
I'm Wishing
I could have hit rewind
And unplay the screams
That ring in my mind
I wish
I was wrong
Because this is your loved one
If you care about one
care about them all
Outraged by a single fate
And willing to let the next fall
More people get shot
Than the media cares to share
Because they don't have a story
Where they think anyone will care
Driven by views, money, and clout
When every day I play witness
I wish I could shout
About the losses uncounted
The lives cast out
The names never spoke
Because people might "freak out"
But
"What you don't know won't hurt"
And
"Ignorance is bliss"
As long as it's not someone you will directly miss
Moments are milestones

LA

There is a whole world out there
A wild, vast, beautiful world out there
Beyond the block, Beyond the street
That restricts and constrains
A world where people can walk
Without fears or pains
Where joy, peace and Calm overwhelm
And you find yourself at the helm
Of your life, and your future
You choose
Yes!
YOU choose the course of your journey
And how you want to rewrite your story.
A story of freedom
And a history of all you have overcome

Aveon G

Assumptions assumptions
The world loves to assume
That someone may not be
What the media tells you
Brainwashed by people
Who clearly don't have a clue
And just want to sell a story or two
When a child is on blast
And his name has been marked
Meaning
he cannot even walk around in the dark
Without peoples assumptions flooding his brain
And because of your words
His life is seen only as the story you paint
And that is the story that tends to remain

Jayquan Sanders — 16 year old boy

A state so cruel
Floating between
Heaven and hell
Holding on to hope but
Experiencing a slow farewell
Brain death
Toys with your heart and head
Are you even alive?
Or are you already dead?
Wishing that there was more to do
Knowing your fate
has been decided for you
So kiss him goodnight
And be strong
Knowing God will come along

Maleek S — 14 year old boy

This is not normal
And I will never allow it to be
Ive seen too many mothers
Fall to their knee
Children on break from school
Unable to enjoy the sun
Fearing the fate
Of a cold, cruel gun
A mother so tender
whispers final words to her son
"I'm so sorry this happened to you"
"I tried to protect you"
And there was nothing else to be done
Absorb all the hits
and punches thrown toward you
Maybe not physical
But emotional abuse
Words are painful
And can leave you black & blue
But
You Take the hits
Because you know
This pain is not meant for you

The call

This is the call I never wanted to make
The call that even makes my body quake
The moment a sound responds on the line
My words, my heart, my voice become intertwined
My voice becomes a nightmare
My voice echoes pain
My voice tells a story
Of a choice made, inhumane
My voice is trained to be steady
My voice is told to be clear
I'm sorry I had to make the call
and
I promise that Ill be here

Die twice

It's hard enough once
It never gets better
watching someone "die twice"
Is harder than ever
The body, the heart, the mind
All shut down
The skin loses pigment
And turns a gray/brown
A pulse becomes silent
The last breath exhaled
For some or for many
It feels they have failed
Then someone who knew
That this person was more
Than a lifeless corpse
Behind closed doors
Screams, cries, begs
Hits the floor
And you realize this person
Had more to live for
You realize this person
Had a whole other life
They had dreams, love, ambitions
No matter the strife
It just hits a lot harder when you
Watch someone die twice.

Melissa Ortega

Abre tus ojos
My sweet little one
Abre tus ojos
Don't tell me it's done
My princess, my child,
My sweet angel dear.
Look, please
My eyes are wide open
Although bursting with fear
Her life was taken
Before it'd begun
The weight of her body
Too heavy to run
Trinkets collected
From a pocket or two
The only things left
No hope to undo
So...
Open your eyes
My sweet princesa
And be a guardian angel
For your mother, forever
An orchestrated symphony
Ebbing and flowing to the melody
Meticulous
fastidious
With a desire to avoid a casualty
Many unique parts
Each vital to the tune
Some loud as a drum
Some soft as a lune
No matter the pressure
or freezing cold weather
whatever, whenever or with whomever
This orchestra will play
and always work together

Sweetener (for Rene)

The sting of a bee
Invokes quick, sharp, unexpected pain
But
the sting will subside
And will not stay
For the bee
Which can cause undeniable, swift pain
Also creates honey
A sweet nectar to ease the pain
Loss will sting
But the pain will not stay
Your sweetener becomes the
Time spent
Love shared
And memories made
A sweetener so sweet
That pain is not allowed to stay
And loved ones
Cannot fade.
I bet you see ghosts
As you enter the room
Not a white glowing being
Who rose from the tomb
Not a dark heartless demon
Preparing to consume
But...
A smile
A feeling
Or someone's perfume
A rememberance of what life was
And with whom
A mother in shock
Every word you cannot say
I hear loud and clear
Shallow breath
And a quiet "okay"
Couldn't make him reappear

Demarlon Jernigan

One life
Two months too late
Three injuries
By the fourth
Five times pushing fate
Awaiting the gate
But life couldn't wait
I was a little too late
I don't walk
I Run towards danger
It's how I'm trained
I'm not a stranger
I have been called to
Serve my fellow man
That's why I cannot duck
But firmly stand.

You don't own me

A body made of flesh and bones
Has a soul, a spirit, and a future of unknowns
A silver bullet delivered by a brother
May have altered my fate
But I lived a life beyond these hospital walls
And that is something you cannot debate
Someone has fallen down,
And the world continues on.
Someone is lying still,
And the world continues on.
Someone has lost too much blood,
And the world continues on.
Someone has lost to a gun,
And the world continues on.
Someone just lost their son,
And the world continues on.
You couldn't even dream
Of what I do.
Because the reality of it is,
This is a dream that should
Never have to come true.
A fatal decision,
A mother's tears,
A bloody red shoe.
My reality is that this dream is my nightmare
That continues to come true.
And, the stars of my "dream"
Don't have the time to wait for you.
You couldn't even dream
Of what I do.
Because the reality of it is,
This is a dream that should
Never have to come true.
A fatal decision,
A mother's tears,
A bloody red shoe.
My reality is that this dream is my nightmare
That continues to come true.
And, the stars of my "dream"
Don't have the time to wait for you.
07/11/21

Historian of suffering

A collector of pain from the past.
A gatherer of information for the future,
Continuously exposed to
and concerned with
the narratives of an individual's experiences.
Experiences that haunt and distress.
Experiences that cause terror and pain,
Leaving fragile, physical artifacts of a time
Wished never came.
A sudden unexpected shift in life.
A father, husband, son,
Filling loved ones' hearts with strife,
Unraveling and undone.
The repeated plea of a mother,
"What did I do wrong?"
The whispered words of a lover,
"Hold me although you're gone."
"I wanted a spicy tender,
and, instead,
I got a spicy bullet."
-ML
Historian of suffering.
A collector of pain from the past.
A gatherer of information for the future,
Continuously exposed to
and concerned with
the narratives of an individual's experiences.
Experiences that haunt and distress.
Experiences that cause terror and pain,
Leaving fragile, physical artifacts of a time
Wished never came.
The stories we hear
like water
Soak in,
Absorb,
Become entrenched
And become us.
Internally,
We are a flowing river
Of thoughts,
Feelings,
Emotions,
And hope.
In this work,
There is a valve,
But
It cannot be turned off.
Cracked, flawed, rusty vessel.
A provider of a consistent flow of
Thoughts, feelings, experiences.
L. I. F. E.
Filled to the brim, overflowing with
Privileged conversations.
Who then cares for the vessel?
Where do the words then flow?
Praying to water other souls.
A happy meal.
She was 7, Seven, SEVEN!
Was it a careless father?
A corrupt city?
A broken system?
Whose hands are stained with her blood?
Tell me, who will hold this heavy weight,
Because this city no longer cares about her fate?
And all I can feel is hate.
Death on a Thursday.
Life isn't supposed to be this way.
Another unknown name, unknown face.
Cuffed to his death bed.
He said, "Didn't you know we are
Dangerous even after death."
I have become an open chasm,
A vessel to fill.
Pouring heartache, pain, and fear
Until I'm drowning,
And the room is still.
I know him!
He sat up, I saw his face and I said...
I know him!
Why does it hit so differently?
Instead of just tears,
I'm mad.
Instead of calm and collected,
I'm sad.
"Give me a hug, just hold my hand."
Sometimes it's just too much to comprehend.
1 injury.
2 deaths.
3 children, victims to the gun.
4 parents, wishing there was more to be done.
Can you imagine being 20 years old?
Losing your best friend,
Your love,
Your whole world?
He died in her arms.
She cried evermore,
The love of her life
Was immediately no more.
Cut coat.
Pure white feathers afloat
Mixed with scarlet blood.
An unknown identity is written in the book.
Two shots were all it took,
And they took.
"It is hard
For a small flame
To stay alight
Laden with constant winds.
Do we blame the flame
When the flame falters,
Fades, or dies?"
-CHC
Stop!
Remind yourself that this isn't normal.
This rushed, frantic meeting
Is anything but formal.
It's truly abnormal.
Head trauma.
Let sweet dreams soothe his mama.
Let familiar voices soothe his mind,
Giving him peace, grace, and time,
Allowing body and soul to recombine.
I am not incompetent,
Incapable,
Or lost.
I am thoughtful,
Loyal,
And a boss.
This kid is a fighter,
A do or die-er,
A heart-stopper,
Re-starter.
Never falter.
A never should have made it.
Shouldn't be alive.
Continues
To not only survive,
But thrive.
You wonderful girl!
You are holding the entire world.
You are brave and strong,
Although things are scary and wrong.
You can make a difference!
You can feel whole.
Be kind to yourself
And please carry on.
My sturdy heart
Crumbles into pieces
As a mom pleads to God above,
Hoping that her faith increases
But there is nothing that could be done.
For any chance her son would live.
There was nothing she wouldn't give.
As her son struggled with pains unbearable to name,
He was used as a chess piece in someone's sick game.
How could a delicate soul
full of love
Be compelled to leave this earth
And ascend above?
I wish I knew you better.
I really only know your name
And your body's physical pain.
Your mind races and tumbles until
You've thought you've gone insane.
Have you ever seen
Someone lose their life,
F l a t l i n e
In a room of pure white
Surrounded by others
With pumping hearts
An identity still
Unmarked?
Are you the man
With metal in your hand?
Would the childhood you,
Even understand?
Or,
Would he hide away,
Looking for an escape,
Because the metal fragments that fly
Cause people, young and old, to die?

68 poems